I have decided to stop loving you. It’s the first step to freedom. Freedom from the pain. I have decided that I will forget you. Because I know you will forget me. Just knowing that makes me want to forget you. I know you won’t stop me when I get up to leave. You won’t say ‘no my life doesn’t work without you’. So then why stay right? I am tired. I want to lay on a beach with the sun burning into my skin and not feel anymore. I just want to be light again. I feel heavy. With all this emotion, with all this love. This love is like rocks tied to me and it will drown me. It’s like I am wrapped up tightly. I can’t breathe. I need to breathe again. I need to sleep a good night’s sleep again. I would rather be sad but at peace again. I want to be free from the jealousy, pain, hurt, and longing. I don’t want to care anymore because it’s killing me. And I don’t want to die. I love you. But I don’t want to die.
No longer yours
I want to be really sad. I want to wallow in my predicament and pity the life I have. A life where we can’t be together. But instead I find myself writing a happy love letter. Because I am choosing to be happy at a time I could be sad. Maybe that makes me even more awesome. But I am going to be happy that you ran your hands through my hair that night as I rested my head on your thigh. I am happy about knowing your each thought. I am ecstatic that desire me, and kiss me like I taste of strawberries. Or chocolate maybe. I smile as I say that. I am happy I can let my fingers feel your skin, because there is nobody I want more. I am happy we say we love each other, even though our love may be forgotten soon. I am choosing to be happy in this here and now. So you see the girl you fell in love with — always smiling, always making you smile. I am happy.
I love you.
I watched you yesterday with her. You were sitting at the cafe near the sea, where they light up candles at night. You were kissing her cheek and she was blushing. It made me smile, even though I should hate her. But then I know she’s the one for you. She’s the orchid. And I just a wild flower — you know the dirty red one you pluck and then just stick behind your your ear. The one that makes you feel like a free soul, a hippy who doesn’t have a care. I can’t compare. I don’t want to. Because wild flowers don’t care do they? But I cared about you. I did. I loved you. It was a completely mad kind of love. Hope you felt that? I know you did, every time I kissed you. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. For you. But this is what they mean by ‘somethings are meant to be’. We weren’t.
But who will tell that to the wild flower, they never listen, do they? Oh my heart sucks. You make me cuckoo.
Oh won’t someone else pluck me?
I love you. It’s fucking painful. It’s suicide. It’s dumber than dumb. It’s mindblowingly pathetic. It’s like someone holding your heart in their hands and poking it with pins. That’s how it feels when you ignore me, which is all the time. I live in constant pain. It’s like someone holding your hand in freezing water. That dull but unbearable pain that takes over. That’s how my insides feel. I can’t get over you. Maybe I am a sadist who thinks loving you makes me noble and my love true. Oh how I hate you for making me love you. I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hate you. Oh I love you. Be mine, won’t you?
You are the first thought as I wake up. If I could, I would turn around, feel your nose next to mine, and kiss you. I walk around all day thinking of you. The way you surprise me with your playfulness when I am tearing up, the way you say I Love You just when I want to hear it, the way your fingers feel… I smile. The greats may have said it but I feel it. You are my sun, moon and the stars. You are my everything. I sleep thinking of you. I dream of you. It’s all you. It’s all you.
I had been living in a dream world for a few days. Ever since you said that you wanted to go away with me. Even for a day. I had been thinking of how you would look at me siting next to you as we were on the road listening to that Coldplay song, and realise how you couldn’t wait to start a life with me. How as we sat on the beach at night under the stars, you would hold my hand and say this was it, and I was the one. How you would wake up next to me, drink tea sitting on the porch and tell me I was the most beautiful girl you ever saw, and that it made you happy to just see my face. Then you would ask me to run away with you. And you would tell me how you would never want to leave. How you wanted the whole world to know that I was your baby.
But your life is keeping you away. Maybe later you say, when the clouds descend and the rain reminds us that crying is not such a bad thing. I still have the dreams. Sweet dreams.